Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
