I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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