Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
wow bdsm is so cute
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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