well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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