I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
