Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize
