My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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