She said her name was "party"
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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