There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
