Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Randomize
