Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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