Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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