we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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