I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
