Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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