Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Randomize
