There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
