my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
