what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
