It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Someone signed my nipple.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
