He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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