I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
So apparently I’m into choking now
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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