shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
