You're a womanizer and a bitch.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
