i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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