ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
