i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
