I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
