Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
