Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
