barbara walters just said penis...
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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