No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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