I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
did i just pee glitter
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
