if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
