My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
