She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
