i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
