Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
