I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
