so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
