i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
