Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
