yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
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