i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
