I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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