Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Randomize
