drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
