I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
