My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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