The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
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