Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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